Last month we discussed Roberta Cava’s Dealing with Difficult People book now
translated into Spanish. This month we will discuss excerpts
from Roberta’s Revised English Language book:
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
How to deal with nasty
customers, demanding bosses and uncooperative colleagues
Here are excerpts from Chapter 2 of this book:
Tantrum-throwers
Adult
tantrums are designed to cope with feelings of fear, helplessness and
frustration. To a child, tantrums are a great equalizing mechanism. Such
disruptive behaviour continues into adulthood if the outbursts still work.
However, tantrums produce a greater backwash of anger and resistance than any
of the other difficult behaviours. Coping with a person having a tantrum is
chiefly a matter of helping them regain self-control. To overcome;
To order large print paperback or
eBook editions, go to:
Here are excerpts from Chapter 2 of this book:
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
MANIPULATORS
These
people can be very dangerous. They have a pathological reaction to authority
and those they perceive are in positions of authority. They channel their
aggression into passive behaviour by slowing down efforts of others and
stonewall progress. They're very hard to detect, and others often feel
frustrated when dealing with them but don't always understand why.
As
most of us grow up, we're faced with restrictions that are normal and
necessary. People with this tendency have often been controlled excessively, so
the person learns to control others without confrontation. They love the thrill
of insubordination, and it sometimes doesn't matter if they win, if it appears
their opponents loose. They love to play win-lose games and put something over
on others.
They
use excuses such as: ‘It's not my fault this didn't work, it's yours.’
They show frequent signs of helplessness - the simplest thing seems beyond
their comprehension. They provoke a feeling of defensiveness when others are
dealing with them. Most tasks are performed late or not at all. When prodded
they become argumentative. They're backstabbers, gossipers and are often so
good at it that others believe their falsehoods.
Most
people display the above signs at one time or another. However, if this
develops into being their normal behaviour, these people are likely
passive-aggressive, and others will have to remain on guard when dealing with
them. Confront them using facts when you ‘catch them in the act.’ Make sure
they understand the consequences of their actions, ‘If this happens again,
I'll...’
Some
serious passive / aggressives have criminal tendencies. These people get a
thrill out of speeding - of drinking and driving - and getting away with it. In
some, this tendency keeps accelerating because they require higher and higher
levels of danger, thrills and excitement to keep them appeased.
Tantrum-throwers
Adult
tantrums are designed to cope with feelings of fear, helplessness and
frustration. To a child, tantrums are a great equalizing mechanism. Such
disruptive behaviour continues into adulthood if the outbursts still work.
However, tantrums produce a greater backwash of anger and resistance than any
of the other difficult behaviours. Coping with a person having a tantrum is
chiefly a matter of helping them regain self-control. To overcome;
- Give them time to run down and regain self-control.
- Because tantrums are used to get attention, give them the opposite by saying, ‘I’ll give you a chance to calm down, then we can discuss this rationally.’ Then walk away from them. This is a form of bullying.
- If they continue with this behaviour, explain that their behaviour is unacceptable, and you won’t talk to them until they calm down.
- Encourage them to obtain help in handling their anger.
Whenever they don’t get what they want, they use hidden ways to threaten, coerce, hurt or embarrass others. Staff feel powerless when the intimidator is their boss. They’re noted for ‘stabbing’ others in the back, so don’t drop your guard and be ready for an attack. To overcome:
- Prepare yourself psychologically for your next encounter.
- Rehearse how you will respond the next time they try to intimidate you.
- Walk away from them explaining that their tactics aren’t going to work on you any more.
- If this is your boss, call in reinforcements by speaking with someone in the human resources department, a mediator, employee relations manager, or as a last resort go above your boss’s head to his or her manager. Make sure you bring facts with you - not assumptions and innuendoes. For example, ‘On Monday, my boss said . . .’ ‘On Tuesday s/he did ...’
- If upper management won’t help you, write a letter of resignation outlining in detail, your reasons for leaving, then lodge a complaint of harassment against your boss and the company.
Time Bombs
This
type of individual attacks the person, not their ideas, often using labels to
let them know that their opponent is dumb, stupid or error‑prone. If others
disagree with their ideas, they believe they're being criticised at a personal
level, so their attack is done with a vengeance. They have no qualms about
attacking others in public and like to appear the victor. However, as this
person has tackled most observers themselves, they're seldom taken in by the
person's behaviour. To overcome:
- Don’t let them goad you into making rash statements or to over-react. Keep your cool, using facts to defend your ideas.
- Confront them privately, warning them that if they continue to belittle you in public that you will be forced to retaliate.
- Encourage them to obtain help in handling their anger.
Why not look up our web page and learn all about
the paperback, large print and eBooks Roberta Cava has written? Go to:
